How do I go on?

To All My Babies,


Your "big Nan" died today. My nan. My world feels like it's crashed down yet again, just as I was starting to build up from losing my precious Ianto.
Ianto, when you were born, Nan was one of the only people in the world who treated you like you were a normal, live, baby. I don't recall if she held you - I don't think she did - but I know she at least stroked your beautiful little face and kissed your sweet cheeks. She smiled, when everyone else was crying. She spoke your name without thinking she was offending me (of course I wasn't!)...
I really can't do Nan justice in a blog post. I lived before Ianto, I know how to live without Ianto, but I've never lived in a world without my Nan. How do I go on? How does the world turn without Nan in it?
I asked her to look after you, Ianto. Or maybe it should be you looking after her, letting her know all the ins and outs of the afterlife?
Cookie, I am so incredibly sorry you never got to meet Nan. She was a fantastic, amazing, unstoppable lady who would have spoiled you to no end.
I'll leave you with this video...

 
8w6d

Well, damn.

To "Cookie",
Yes, "the twins" are no more. Why? Because I just had an ultrasound, and there's only one of you. So Cookie it is for now. You're also three daays older than we thought you were, so your new "due date" is the 21st of March 2011.
To Ianto,
Thank you for listening to me when I cried over your picture and asked you to make sure your little brother or sister was alright.

 

 8w4d

I dream of you at night-time...

To "The Twins"


I had a nice dream last night about you. Well, I think it was you. Last week in my dreams you were a boy. Last night you were a girl. We were shopping, and you'd only just been born the day before but you looked a few months old. That was strange, but hey, it was a dream.


I have officially crossed into rabid attachment/peaceful/gentle/hippy/whatever-you-want-to-call-it parenting. In my dream I started throwing a little bit of a tantrum because you were in a disposable nappy. Awake Me says that's not such a big deal, and wouldn't I have put it on you myself? Dream Me is a weirdo.


 
 8w2d

Home's out, second choice please!

To my twinnies,


Nope, still not sure if you're twins - just so you know.
Until the other day (the 4th) I was planning to birth you at home. No such luck. As I said on bellybelly:

[INSERT BIG SWEARY ANGRY WORDS HERE]
The freaking midwife from the hospital just called. I'm out of the STUPID catchment area for their homebirth program. Frick Frick Frick! Hospy birth for me again I really didn't think that would be my downfall  I thought the only reason they could give to turn me down would be the stillbirth thing. [MORE SWEARY WORDS]

But it's okay. I'm used to that fact now. So I'm trying to be allowed to birth at the Mercy Family Birth Centre. Only problem is... they've apparently just changed their rules to disallow women who have had previous stillbirths. My dear darling friend Lily, who is hopefully going to be my doula as well, is coming with me to my first couple of appointments (as well as the hospital tour tonight) to help me fight for it. I don't want to be forced into a hospital birth. Nothing was wrong with your brother except for the dying thing. That really came out wrong, but I'm leaving it because that's how I feel.
If he hadn't died, you wouldn't even be here for me to fight for. I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to get pregnant again so soon after one baby. Why should one failure rule me out for the rest of my life? It's just not fair. Nothing's been fair since he died.
I love you all.
 
 8w0d