Lazy mummy = Active baby!

To Cookie,

I know I keep making posts about how much you kick, but my goodness are you active lately! My belly rolls side to side sometimes because you're flipping around so much. I won't lie, sometimes I wish you'd stop for a little while. But mostly I love it. I love not having to worry about you. If I do get worried, all I have to do is lay down for ten minutes and wait for my belly to erupt. I think you're going to be a very active child. Just what a lazy mummy like me deserves!


I really can't wait to meet you. Did you know, if you were born today, you'd have an amazing chance of survival? I don't want you to be, of course, I'd rather you stay nice and safe in my tummy for a couple more months. But it's comforting to know you could do well on the outside now.

26w1d

 

Cuteness

To Cookie,

You're so cute! I mean, of course we knew you would be, but your ultrasound on Monday (23w) gave us the most gorgeous in-utero picture I've ever seen:

My friend Lily, who will be helping you into the world, said that this is a definite "girl smile."

You seemed quite intent on playing with your umbilical cord as well, which was fun to watch. But not so much when the ultrasound lady needed you to stay still a moment while she checked the blood flow in and out of it. She had to get someone else to come and check it as well, because every now and then there was an extra thud, or it would skip one. Nothing to worry about though, thankfully.

The cyst in your brain has disappeared though! It's completely gone. I wasn't worried too much about it, but I'mstill very glad to be rid of it. The doctor said it could have just been that one of the veins in your brain grew a little faster than the ones around it, so now it's slowed down to catch up. All good.

23w 3d

The photos!

To Ianto,

The last of the photos of you arrived today. They were taken at your funeral. I'm in utter shock, looking at them, remembering how beautiful you were. How tiny your coffin was. It looks like a tissue box! Your tiny little hands and feet, so gorgeous.

Your gorgeous little hands, with your wristband

The sign that greeted everyone as they walked in

You could almost be yawning here...

My new favourite photo, look how cute your feet were...

22w4d

 

Stop scaring us.

To Cookie,
Ooh, you're a naughty little one, aren't you? Enjoying scaring mummy? It's not nice at all! At my appointment the other day, when the doctor couldn't find your heartbeat, daddy was almost crying. That's very mean. I knew you were okay, having felt you move a few minutes earlier, but your daddy was really scared! And on Saturday you didn't move at all until I got scared enough to tell him - then you kicked me really hard! Don't do that to us, bubba. It's not a nice feeling.

22w2d

 

First me, then Daddy, then your uncle... who next?

To Cookie,
Your uncle Gavin felt you kick last night! I knew you would be kicking if I stayed still enough, so I had a big cup of icy water and lay down on the couch to start you off. I made sure you were kicking hard enough to be kicking from the outside before I asked if he and Uncle Brent wanted to feel. He said it was a really weird feeling, like a mouse or rat ticking his fingers (he only felt a light one) - I reminded him he did that once, and I remember him kicking. But he absolutely stumped me when he asked "why do babies kick?"... My face looked a bit like this, because I had no idea whatsoever:

So that's me, Daddy, and Uncle Gav who have felt you kick now. I think we might have to try your Nan next, she'd love it. After that, your Pa, because I know how scared he's been for you (he feels so much more than he lets on, that man - keep that in mind!)
My hospital appointment next week can't come any faster. Yes, we're finally booked into a hospital where you'll be born! I know I was gunning for a home birth, or a birth centre, but they're both out of reach for different reasons. I didn't want to go back to the hospital I had Ianto - they didn't give me the care I needed at any point - so we're going to the Royal Womens Hospital. I was born in the old building, and so was Uncle Gav. I've never been in the new one, hopefully it's as great as I hear.
I've started the self-hypnosis classes that I'll be at least attempting to use during your birth. No pain killers for me, thank you very much. The human body evolved to make and birth babies without that stuff. Yes, I know I used gas - and thought I was on morphine - when I gave birth to your brother, but that was more for the emotional stuff than the actual birth. You'll be working with me to bring you "earthside" rather than me doing all the work, too. I want it to be as close to perfect as possible for both of us.

21w1d

Halfway there!

To Cookie,
Congratulations on getting to twenty weeks gestation, little one! Even though I know I shouldn't, I'm feeling a little safer now. You're moving a lot more regularly, and now we're halfway to your due date... It's just such a happy feeling! I know Daddy isn't at his "safe point" yet - that's at 32 weeks and one day - but he's happy to see me happy too. Now let's just work on getting you to an even safer point so we can meet you!

20w1d

We can feel you now

To Cookie,
You kicked Daddy's hand the other night (Thursday night, I think). We were in bed, just talking about whatever came to mind, and suddenly you kicked very hard! Because your dad had his hand on my belly, he felt it just as strongly as I did. It was fantastic, and you kept doing it. I think you could hear us laughing. Thank you, baby.
We also had an ultrasound on Monday to see you. You were very patient with it all, and showed us everything we wanted to look at. You have a little cyst in your brain which needs to be checked on in about ten weeks, but it should be okay. It's called a Choroid plexus cyst, which sounds quite scary. But it's not. It usually means nothing, and the man said they don't even usually tell parents about it but he likes to just in case it does end up being something serious.
On a lighter note, here are some photos from the ultrasound:

This is your "scary face"

Your side, showing off your little nose that looks like your brother's

Your little baby thumb

And your hand...

And your other hand...

Your itty bitty feet!

And another of your face - your lips and a little of your nose.

19w5d

Doctor Who likes cookies

To Cookie,
You're undoubtedly a Doctor Who fan like Daddy and I, so...


18w0d

A guest post

Dear Cookie,

Blimey where has the time gone? I feel so old when I realise I can remember when your mother WASN'T expecting you, new babies have a habit of making me feel old. I hope you're not putting too much pressure on your Mummy's bladder, or kicking her night and day, she needs rest remember! But I know I'm incredibly proud of your Mum and Dad for the blessing they're about to receive - they deserve it after all. But you'll soon join the world and all hell can break loose with sleepless nights, nappies and feeds. Bring on the fun!

xxxxxxx Mummy's friend Nina

17w6d

My bladder is not a punching bag!

To Cookie,
Yes, sweetie, I know you're there. I don't mind the small kicks I'm feeling - in fact, I quite love that I can feel you already - but one small request? Please get off Mummy's bladder. I know I don't really need to wee at the moment, but since you seem to be sitting on it, my brain thinks I do and keeps telling me to get up. I don't want to, I would like to lay here and try to get some sleep.
I have another ultrasound to see you soon - on the 25th. I'm really looking forward to it. Of course, the radiologist will be mostly looking at bits of you to check you're growing well, but I have faith in you, my little one. Apparently this week you're about the size of a large potato, and in three weeks you'll be about triple the size of that! Hopefully I'll have a nice big normal-looking baby bump then, to show you off in.


To Ianto,
I really can't remember you kicking this hard at any point, let alone so early. I know it's because you were my first baby, but it still makes me a little sad. As always, please look after your younger sibling as we move through mid-pregnancy. In about two and a half weeks we'll be hitting halfway. I really need you to help us make it that far.
 

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17w4d

Photos of you

To Cookie,
This is what you looked like five weeks ago:

And two weeks ago:

I love you, my little one. I can't wait to meet you.



14w4d

I miss you.

To Ianto,


Simply put - I miss you. I wish I had you in my arms instead of only in my dreams. I wish I didn't cry when I hear of any other baby boy being hurt, or born, or having died... I wish I was only an outsider feeling sympathy for baby lost parents, rather than an "insider." I'd give almost anything to bring you back. I wish I didn't feel guilty for saying that. I know if I still had you with me, I wouldn't have Cookie growing in me. How do I reconcile that? How do I stop my second child from feeling "survivor's guilt" - or whatever you can call it in this case?



How can I be a good mum to them when all I really want is you?

13w0d

How do I go on?

To All My Babies,


Your "big Nan" died today. My nan. My world feels like it's crashed down yet again, just as I was starting to build up from losing my precious Ianto.
Ianto, when you were born, Nan was one of the only people in the world who treated you like you were a normal, live, baby. I don't recall if she held you - I don't think she did - but I know she at least stroked your beautiful little face and kissed your sweet cheeks. She smiled, when everyone else was crying. She spoke your name without thinking she was offending me (of course I wasn't!)...
I really can't do Nan justice in a blog post. I lived before Ianto, I know how to live without Ianto, but I've never lived in a world without my Nan. How do I go on? How does the world turn without Nan in it?
I asked her to look after you, Ianto. Or maybe it should be you looking after her, letting her know all the ins and outs of the afterlife?
Cookie, I am so incredibly sorry you never got to meet Nan. She was a fantastic, amazing, unstoppable lady who would have spoiled you to no end.
I'll leave you with this video...

 
8w6d

Well, damn.

To "Cookie",
Yes, "the twins" are no more. Why? Because I just had an ultrasound, and there's only one of you. So Cookie it is for now. You're also three daays older than we thought you were, so your new "due date" is the 21st of March 2011.
To Ianto,
Thank you for listening to me when I cried over your picture and asked you to make sure your little brother or sister was alright.

 

 8w4d

I dream of you at night-time...

To "The Twins"


I had a nice dream last night about you. Well, I think it was you. Last week in my dreams you were a boy. Last night you were a girl. We were shopping, and you'd only just been born the day before but you looked a few months old. That was strange, but hey, it was a dream.


I have officially crossed into rabid attachment/peaceful/gentle/hippy/whatever-you-want-to-call-it parenting. In my dream I started throwing a little bit of a tantrum because you were in a disposable nappy. Awake Me says that's not such a big deal, and wouldn't I have put it on you myself? Dream Me is a weirdo.


 
 8w2d

Home's out, second choice please!

To my twinnies,


Nope, still not sure if you're twins - just so you know.
Until the other day (the 4th) I was planning to birth you at home. No such luck. As I said on bellybelly:

[INSERT BIG SWEARY ANGRY WORDS HERE]
The freaking midwife from the hospital just called. I'm out of the STUPID catchment area for their homebirth program. Frick Frick Frick! Hospy birth for me again I really didn't think that would be my downfall  I thought the only reason they could give to turn me down would be the stillbirth thing. [MORE SWEARY WORDS]

But it's okay. I'm used to that fact now. So I'm trying to be allowed to birth at the Mercy Family Birth Centre. Only problem is... they've apparently just changed their rules to disallow women who have had previous stillbirths. My dear darling friend Lily, who is hopefully going to be my doula as well, is coming with me to my first couple of appointments (as well as the hospital tour tonight) to help me fight for it. I don't want to be forced into a hospital birth. Nothing was wrong with your brother except for the dying thing. That really came out wrong, but I'm leaving it because that's how I feel.
If he hadn't died, you wouldn't even be here for me to fight for. I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to get pregnant again so soon after one baby. Why should one failure rule me out for the rest of my life? It's just not fair. Nothing's been fair since he died.
I love you all.
 
 8w0d

I am so sorry...

To Ianto,
I am sorry, my baby. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep you safe to meet me properly. I'm sorry that I get easily distracted when I visit your grave. I'm sorry I sometimes feel like the baby (babies?) I'm carrying will replace you. Nothing and no-one will truly replace you, I promise. I just hope they'll help heal my heart a little from the hurt of losing you.
 
 6w0d

A photographic letter

To The Twins,

This is what your wardrobe looks like right now. All of these clothes were originally bought for your big brother.

This is your cot, where you'll sleep during the day. At night, you'll be in with your daddy and me.

And this is me pregnant with you. Five weeks down, thirty-five to go, babies!

5w4d

People are starting to find out

Dear Twins,
I'm sorry I have to lie about you right now. It's still very early days, so telling people in "real life" isn't really an option. Your nan and pa know, and your uncles. Your nan-nan knows, and she's given us lots of stuff for you - a lot of it stuff that was meant to be for Ianto.

I've put up your cot, even though you won't be sleeping in it very often. Only for your day sleeps. At night time you'll be in with us, with me holding you tightly and safely. I'll do whatever I can to keep you safe.

 
 5w0d

You're there!

To The Twins,
You're there! You really are in my belly and not a figment of my imagination! Ohh, I'm so excited now, babies. I will admit, I was scared. The test I did on Monday was definitely a positive, but with the ones on Wednesday I wasn't so sure. Luckily we went to the doctor on Thursday, they did a blood test, and it was very much a positive! Woo hoo!
The doctor looked scared when we walked in for the results. Given daddy and I look younger than we are, that's understandable. Not even people our age want babies sometimes, let alone those younger than us. It's just not expected.
I want to go tell your big brother about you today. Hopefully my usual afternoon nap doesn't go too long...

4w5d

To my babies...

Hello my little ones. I've started this blog so I can write letters to all of you without disturbing the main gist of my other blog (that one's for you and me only, Ianto)
To Ianto,
Guess what? You're going to be a big brother! You have to promise to look after your younger brothers and sisters, okay? Make sure they behave for mummy and daddy, and that they don't get in any trouble. Whisper lullabies to them when mummy can't, and play with them when daddy's too busy. Be a good big brother to them.
To the Twins,
Actually, I'm not even sure you are twins. I just really hope you are. I hope you enjoy your stay inside my tummy, so much that you're born right on time, healthy and happy. Your big brother will be there for you when you're sad and mummy can't comfort you. Right now, you're starting to set up house in my tummy and making me feel a little bit sick. This is more than your brother gave me, and you're younger now than he was when I found out I was pregnant with him. Mummy and Daddy love you so much. And we promise you'll have an awesome nickname soon.

4w4d

Letter to Ianto #5

To my darling beautiful son,

It's been a week and a half since I gave birth to you, and I just want you to know just how proud I am of you. How much I love you. How perfect you are.

You have your dad's face, you know that? You should know, I told you a million times, I'm sure. But my nose. You were always going to have my nose - there's no way you were getting out of it. It's a good nose. Your perfect little arms and legs, all long and gangly, they're your dad's. Your feet, your hands... Perfect.

I cherish every moment of my pregnancy, every little kick I felt. Even the times you would scare me by not kicking for a while, then trying to karate-chop your way out of me when I got too worried. I even cherish the heartburn you were responsible for!

You're so loved, little one. I spent the whole two days we were in hospital after you were born stroking your little face, amazed by your soft skin. Your dad had a lot of cuddles when I could bring myself to give you up.

I'm not sure I'll ever understand why your heart stopped beating while you were inside of me. Even if all the tests they did on the two of us show a medical reason, I'll never know why I was fated to be the mummy of a stillborn child. I'll never know why I had to plan a funeral for my baby when I was meant to still be pregnant.

I'm happy I was able to give you life inside me, that you seem to have died happy. At 32 weeks, you would have discovered dreams recently. I hope they were nice, baby boy. Did you dream about me like I did you? Could you hear me planning for your birth? Are you as proud of me as I am of you?

I'm glad we were allowed that time with you - I never knew that I would be allowed to keep you in the room with me after you were born. I'm glad we got a lot of photos of you. Do you know that the photographer that came and took your photo is putting some up for selection in an exhibition especially for pictures of sick or stillborn children? Your dad and I are so incredibly proud of that fact - even someone who sees a lot of children all the time knows how beautiful you are!

I was so scared every time someone would come into the room, thinking they were coming to take you away from me. Having to walk away from that hospital room was the hardest part of my life up to that point - it's now been succeeded by having to place the lid on your coffin.

I can still see your little face when I close my eyes. I hope those images never fade away. I hope I never forget the feeling of your sweet soft skin under my fingertips. I hope I continue to smell your scent in quiet moments. I know I'll never forget you.

It's been a week and a half since I gave birth to you, and I'm sure you know how proud I am of you. How much I love you. How perfect you are, even in death.

Love always,
Your mummy.