Simply put - I miss you. I wish I had you in my arms instead of only in my dreams. I wish I didn't cry when I hear of any other baby boy being hurt, or born, or having died... I wish I was only an outsider feeling sympathy for baby lost parents, rather than an "insider." I'd give almost anything to bring you back. I wish I didn't feel guilty for saying that. I know if I still had you with me, I wouldn't have Cookie growing in me. How do I reconcile that? How do I stop my second child from feeling "survivor's guilt" - or whatever you can call it in this case?
How can I be a good mum to them when all I really want is you?
13w0d
