ToCookie,
You kicked Daddy's hand the other night (Thursday night, I think). We were in bed, just talking about whatever came to mind, and suddenly you kicked very hard! Because your dad had his hand on my belly, he felt it just as strongly as I did. It was fantastic, and you kept doing it. I think you could hear us laughing. Thank you, baby.
We also had an ultrasound on Monday to see you. You were very patient with it all, and showed us everything we wanted to look at. You have a little cyst in your brain which needs to be checked on in about ten weeks, but it should be okay. It's called a Choroid plexus cyst, which sounds quite scary. But it's not. It usually means nothing, and the man said they don't even usually tell parents about it but he likes to just in case it does end up being something serious.
On a lighter note, here are some photos from the ultrasound:
This is your "scary face"
Your side, showing off your little nose that looks like your brother's
Your little baby thumb
And your hand...
And your other hand...
Your itty bitty feet!
And another of your face - your lips and a little of your nose.
Blimey where has the time gone? I feel so old when I realise I can remember when your mother WASN'T expecting you, new babies have a habit of making me feel old. I hope you're not putting too much pressure on your Mummy's bladder, or kicking her night and day, she needs rest remember! But I know I'm incredibly proud of your Mum and Dad for the blessing they're about to receive - they deserve it after all. But you'll soon join the world and all hell can break loose with sleepless nights, nappies and feeds. Bring on the fun!
To Cookie,
Yes, sweetie, I know you're there. I don't mind the small kicks I'm feeling - in fact, I quite love that I can feel you already - but one small request? Please get off Mummy's bladder. I know I don't really need to wee at the moment, but since you seem to be sitting on it, my brain thinks I do and keeps telling me to get up. I don't want to, I would like to lay here and try to get some sleep.
I have another ultrasound to see you soon - on the 25th. I'm really looking forward to it. Of course, the radiologist will be mostly looking at bits of you to check you're growing well, but I have faith in you, my little one. Apparently this week you're about the size of a large potato, and in three weeks you'll be about triple the size of that! Hopefully I'll have a nice big normal-looking baby bump then, to show you off in.
To Ianto,
I really can't remember you kicking this hard at any point, let alone so early. I know it's because you were my first baby, but it still makes me a little sad. As always, please look after your younger sibling as we move through mid-pregnancy. In about two and a half weeks we'll be hitting halfway. I really need you to help us make it that far.
Simply put - I miss you. I wish I had you in my arms instead of only in my dreams. I wish I didn't cry when I hear of any other baby boy being hurt, or born, or having died... I wish I was only an outsider feeling sympathy for baby lost parents, rather than an "insider." I'd give almost anything to bring you back. I wish I didn't feel guilty for saying that. I know if I still had you with me, I wouldn't have Cookie growing in me. How do I reconcile that? How do I stop my second child from feeling "survivor's guilt" - or whatever you can call it in this case?
How can I be a good mum to them when all I really want is you?
13w0d
Your "big Nan" died today. My nan. My world feels like it's crashed down yet again, just as I was starting to build up from losing my precious Ianto.
Ianto, when you were born, Nan was one of the only people in the world who treated you like you were a normal, live, baby. I don't recall if she held you - I don't think she did - but I know she at least stroked your beautiful little face and kissed your sweet cheeks. She smiled, when everyone else was crying. She spoke your name without thinking she was offending me (of course I wasn't!)...
I really can't do Nan justice in a blog post. I lived before Ianto, I know how to live without Ianto, but I've never lived in a world without my Nan. How do I go on? How does the world turn without Nan in it?
I asked her to look after you, Ianto. Or maybe it should be you looking after her, letting her know all the ins and outs of the afterlife?
Cookie, I am so incredibly sorry you never got to meet Nan. She was a fantastic, amazing, unstoppable lady who would have spoiled you to no end.
I'll leave you with this video...
To "Cookie",
Yes, "the twins" are no more. Why? Because I just had an ultrasound, and there's only one of you. So Cookie it is for now. You're also three daays older than we thought you were, so your new "due date" is the 21st of March 2011. To Ianto,
Thank you for listening to me when I cried over your picture and asked you to make sure your little brother or sister was alright.
I had a nice dream last night about you. Well, I think it was you. Last week in my dreams you were a boy. Last night you were a girl. We were shopping, and you'd only just been born the day before but you looked a few months old. That was strange, but hey, it was a dream.
I have officially crossed into rabid attachment/peaceful/gentle/hippy/whatever-you-want-to-call-it parenting. In my dream I started throwing a little bit of a tantrum because you were in a disposable nappy. Awake Me says that's not such a big deal, and wouldn't I have put it on you myself? Dream Me is a weirdo.
Nope, still not sure if you're twins - just so you know.
Until the other day (the 4th) I was planning to birth you at home. No such luck. As I said on bellybelly:
[INSERT BIG SWEARY ANGRY WORDS HERE]
The freaking midwife from the hospital just called. I'm out of the STUPID catchment area for their homebirth program. Frick Frick Frick! Hospy birth for me again I really didn't think that would be my downfall I thought the only reason they could give to turn me down would be the stillbirth thing. [MORE SWEARY WORDS]
But it's okay. I'm used to that fact now. So I'm trying to be allowed to birth at the Mercy Family Birth Centre. Only problem is... they've apparently just changed their rules to disallow women who have had previous stillbirths. My dear darling friend Lily, who is hopefully going to be my doula as well, is coming with me to my first couple of appointments (as well as the hospital tour tonight) to help me fight for it. I don't want to be forced into a hospital birth. Nothing was wrong with your brother except for the dying thing. That really came out wrong, but I'm leaving it because that's how I feel.
If he hadn't died, you wouldn't even be here for me to fight for. I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to get pregnant again so soon after one baby. Why should one failure rule me out for the rest of my life? It's just not fair. Nothing's been fair since he died.
I love you all.
8w0d
To Ianto,
I am sorry, my baby. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep you safe to meet me properly. I'm sorry that I get easily distracted when I visit your grave. I'm sorry I sometimes feel like the baby (babies?) I'm carrying will replace you. Nothing and no-one will truly replace you, I promise. I just hope they'll help heal my heart a little from the hurt of losing you.
6w0d
Dear Twins,
I'm sorry I have to lie about you right now. It's still very early days, so telling people in "real life" isn't really an option. Your nan and pa know, and your uncles. Your nan-nan knows, and she's given us lots of stuff for you - a lot of it stuff that was meant to be for Ianto.
I've put up your cot, even though you won't be sleeping in it very often. Only for your day sleeps. At night time you'll be in with us, with me holding you tightly and safely. I'll do whatever I can to keep you safe.
To The Twins,
You're there! You really are in my belly and not a figment of my imagination! Ohh, I'm so excited now, babies. I will admit, I was scared. The test I did on Monday was definitely a positive, but with the ones on Wednesday I wasn't so sure. Luckily we went to the doctor on Thursday, they did a blood test, and it was very much a positive! Woo hoo!
The doctor looked scared when we walked in for the results. Given daddy and I look younger than we are, that's understandable. Not even people our age want babies sometimes, let alone those younger than us. It's just not expected.
I want to go tell your big brother about you today. Hopefully my usual afternoon nap doesn't go too long...
Hello my little ones. I've started this blog so I can write letters to all of you without disturbing the main gist of my other blog (that one's for you and me only, Ianto) To Ianto,
Guess what? You're going to be a big brother! You have to promise to look after your younger brothers and sisters, okay? Make sure they behave for mummy and daddy, and that they don't get in any trouble. Whisper lullabies to them when mummy can't, and play with them when daddy's too busy. Be a good big brother to them. To the Twins,
Actually, I'm not even sure you are twins. I just really hope you are. I hope you enjoy your stay inside my tummy, so much that you're born right on time, healthy and happy. Your big brother will be there for you when you're sad and mummy can't comfort you. Right now, you're starting to set up house in my tummy and making me feel a little bit sick. This is more than your brother gave me, and you're younger now than he was when I found out I was pregnant with him. Mummy and Daddy love you so much. And we promise you'll have an awesome nickname soon.
I really didn't think that would be my downfall 
I thought the only reason they could give to turn me down would be the stillbirth thing. [MORE SWEARY WORDS] 
