How do I go on?

To All My Babies,


Your "big Nan" died today. My nan. My world feels like it's crashed down yet again, just as I was starting to build up from losing my precious Ianto.
Ianto, when you were born, Nan was one of the only people in the world who treated you like you were a normal, live, baby. I don't recall if she held you - I don't think she did - but I know she at least stroked your beautiful little face and kissed your sweet cheeks. She smiled, when everyone else was crying. She spoke your name without thinking she was offending me (of course I wasn't!)...
I really can't do Nan justice in a blog post. I lived before Ianto, I know how to live without Ianto, but I've never lived in a world without my Nan. How do I go on? How does the world turn without Nan in it?
I asked her to look after you, Ianto. Or maybe it should be you looking after her, letting her know all the ins and outs of the afterlife?
Cookie, I am so incredibly sorry you never got to meet Nan. She was a fantastic, amazing, unstoppable lady who would have spoiled you to no end.
I'll leave you with this video...

 
8w6d

Well, damn.

To "Cookie",
Yes, "the twins" are no more. Why? Because I just had an ultrasound, and there's only one of you. So Cookie it is for now. You're also three daays older than we thought you were, so your new "due date" is the 21st of March 2011.
To Ianto,
Thank you for listening to me when I cried over your picture and asked you to make sure your little brother or sister was alright.

 

 8w4d

I dream of you at night-time...

To "The Twins"


I had a nice dream last night about you. Well, I think it was you. Last week in my dreams you were a boy. Last night you were a girl. We were shopping, and you'd only just been born the day before but you looked a few months old. That was strange, but hey, it was a dream.


I have officially crossed into rabid attachment/peaceful/gentle/hippy/whatever-you-want-to-call-it parenting. In my dream I started throwing a little bit of a tantrum because you were in a disposable nappy. Awake Me says that's not such a big deal, and wouldn't I have put it on you myself? Dream Me is a weirdo.


 
 8w2d

Home's out, second choice please!

To my twinnies,


Nope, still not sure if you're twins - just so you know.
Until the other day (the 4th) I was planning to birth you at home. No such luck. As I said on bellybelly:

[INSERT BIG SWEARY ANGRY WORDS HERE]
The freaking midwife from the hospital just called. I'm out of the STUPID catchment area for their homebirth program. Frick Frick Frick! Hospy birth for me again I really didn't think that would be my downfall  I thought the only reason they could give to turn me down would be the stillbirth thing. [MORE SWEARY WORDS]

But it's okay. I'm used to that fact now. So I'm trying to be allowed to birth at the Mercy Family Birth Centre. Only problem is... they've apparently just changed their rules to disallow women who have had previous stillbirths. My dear darling friend Lily, who is hopefully going to be my doula as well, is coming with me to my first couple of appointments (as well as the hospital tour tonight) to help me fight for it. I don't want to be forced into a hospital birth. Nothing was wrong with your brother except for the dying thing. That really came out wrong, but I'm leaving it because that's how I feel.
If he hadn't died, you wouldn't even be here for me to fight for. I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to get pregnant again so soon after one baby. Why should one failure rule me out for the rest of my life? It's just not fair. Nothing's been fair since he died.
I love you all.
 
 8w0d

I am so sorry...

To Ianto,
I am sorry, my baby. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep you safe to meet me properly. I'm sorry that I get easily distracted when I visit your grave. I'm sorry I sometimes feel like the baby (babies?) I'm carrying will replace you. Nothing and no-one will truly replace you, I promise. I just hope they'll help heal my heart a little from the hurt of losing you.
 
 6w0d

A photographic letter

To The Twins,

This is what your wardrobe looks like right now. All of these clothes were originally bought for your big brother.

This is your cot, where you'll sleep during the day. At night, you'll be in with your daddy and me.

And this is me pregnant with you. Five weeks down, thirty-five to go, babies!

5w4d

People are starting to find out

Dear Twins,
I'm sorry I have to lie about you right now. It's still very early days, so telling people in "real life" isn't really an option. Your nan and pa know, and your uncles. Your nan-nan knows, and she's given us lots of stuff for you - a lot of it stuff that was meant to be for Ianto.

I've put up your cot, even though you won't be sleeping in it very often. Only for your day sleeps. At night time you'll be in with us, with me holding you tightly and safely. I'll do whatever I can to keep you safe.

 
 5w0d

You're there!

To The Twins,
You're there! You really are in my belly and not a figment of my imagination! Ohh, I'm so excited now, babies. I will admit, I was scared. The test I did on Monday was definitely a positive, but with the ones on Wednesday I wasn't so sure. Luckily we went to the doctor on Thursday, they did a blood test, and it was very much a positive! Woo hoo!
The doctor looked scared when we walked in for the results. Given daddy and I look younger than we are, that's understandable. Not even people our age want babies sometimes, let alone those younger than us. It's just not expected.
I want to go tell your big brother about you today. Hopefully my usual afternoon nap doesn't go too long...

4w5d

To my babies...

Hello my little ones. I've started this blog so I can write letters to all of you without disturbing the main gist of my other blog (that one's for you and me only, Ianto)
To Ianto,
Guess what? You're going to be a big brother! You have to promise to look after your younger brothers and sisters, okay? Make sure they behave for mummy and daddy, and that they don't get in any trouble. Whisper lullabies to them when mummy can't, and play with them when daddy's too busy. Be a good big brother to them.
To the Twins,
Actually, I'm not even sure you are twins. I just really hope you are. I hope you enjoy your stay inside my tummy, so much that you're born right on time, healthy and happy. Your big brother will be there for you when you're sad and mummy can't comfort you. Right now, you're starting to set up house in my tummy and making me feel a little bit sick. This is more than your brother gave me, and you're younger now than he was when I found out I was pregnant with him. Mummy and Daddy love you so much. And we promise you'll have an awesome nickname soon.

4w4d

Letter to Ianto #5

To my darling beautiful son,

It's been a week and a half since I gave birth to you, and I just want you to know just how proud I am of you. How much I love you. How perfect you are.

You have your dad's face, you know that? You should know, I told you a million times, I'm sure. But my nose. You were always going to have my nose - there's no way you were getting out of it. It's a good nose. Your perfect little arms and legs, all long and gangly, they're your dad's. Your feet, your hands... Perfect.

I cherish every moment of my pregnancy, every little kick I felt. Even the times you would scare me by not kicking for a while, then trying to karate-chop your way out of me when I got too worried. I even cherish the heartburn you were responsible for!

You're so loved, little one. I spent the whole two days we were in hospital after you were born stroking your little face, amazed by your soft skin. Your dad had a lot of cuddles when I could bring myself to give you up.

I'm not sure I'll ever understand why your heart stopped beating while you were inside of me. Even if all the tests they did on the two of us show a medical reason, I'll never know why I was fated to be the mummy of a stillborn child. I'll never know why I had to plan a funeral for my baby when I was meant to still be pregnant.

I'm happy I was able to give you life inside me, that you seem to have died happy. At 32 weeks, you would have discovered dreams recently. I hope they were nice, baby boy. Did you dream about me like I did you? Could you hear me planning for your birth? Are you as proud of me as I am of you?

I'm glad we were allowed that time with you - I never knew that I would be allowed to keep you in the room with me after you were born. I'm glad we got a lot of photos of you. Do you know that the photographer that came and took your photo is putting some up for selection in an exhibition especially for pictures of sick or stillborn children? Your dad and I are so incredibly proud of that fact - even someone who sees a lot of children all the time knows how beautiful you are!

I was so scared every time someone would come into the room, thinking they were coming to take you away from me. Having to walk away from that hospital room was the hardest part of my life up to that point - it's now been succeeded by having to place the lid on your coffin.

I can still see your little face when I close my eyes. I hope those images never fade away. I hope I never forget the feeling of your sweet soft skin under my fingertips. I hope I continue to smell your scent in quiet moments. I know I'll never forget you.

It's been a week and a half since I gave birth to you, and I'm sure you know how proud I am of you. How much I love you. How perfect you are, even in death.

Love always,
Your mummy.

Letter to Ianto #4

Nugget/Smudge –

    For god’s sake, you’re only 2mm long! How much room do you need in there that you’re stretching my muscles already?!? It hurts!

    Your dad and I are going out tonight with a friend of ours. He’s going to be our Best man when we get married in three weeks. This’ll be my first night out knowing about you – I hope you don’t mind loud music and being wiggled around, because I love dancing! You should be used to it by now, dad and I had a wedding dance lesson on Thursday. I have to do a million spins, and of course that’s making me feel sicker than usual, having you in me…

    Speaking of being sick, I’m starting to get some morning sickness! I can not stand the smell of onions all of a sudden, which is really gonna suck when I come back to work after the wedding. Your dad and I both work at McDonald’s, though I haven’t worked since May (I fell over and hurt my back, then just plain didn’t want to come back at all.) We agreed I’d come back to work after the wedding, and here we are three weeks off.

    Your name has changed a few times again. Your dad likes Ethan if you’re a boy, which I really like too, but my mum doesn’t like it… We’ve stopped trying to think of girls’ names, we have a huuuuge list to choose from – It’s so much easier naming a girl for us!

Letter to Ianto #3

Hello my gorgeous little person,

    We’ve had a very eventful week! On Tuesday night, your daddy and I were sitting at the hospital hoping against hope that you were okay. I’ve been having pains in my lower stomach, where you are, and it got so bad I felt I needed to get you checked out. I had a few blood tests, and we waited (and waited, and waited…) until I was finally checked a bit more. The doctor pressed very hard on my belly, and told me I’d have to go in the next day for an ultrasound to check that you weren’t ectopic (an ectopic pregnancy is one in which the baby implants in the tubes rather than the womb – there’s no way to save the baby in that case)

    Your dad and I spent the night worrying and crying a bit – we watched about a million DVDs to take our minds off it. But, we went in Wednesday morning for an ultrasound and… We saw you! We saw your heartbeat, we saw how big you are, we saw that you were in the right place! You were 5 weeks and 5 days old – which puts you at 6 weeks today! Your dad cried.

    Yesterday I still went in for my ultrasound appointment that I made before all this trouble – The doctor said I was “almost five weeks” and that it was “impossible to find a heartbeat this early” – I almost cracked up laughing!

    Wednesday I also told your Nan (my mum) about you. She wasn’t happy at all. I can understand that, we’re not in a great financial position for a baby. But she’ll come around. She’s like me, she loves babies too much. I know she’s just worried about me and how I can look after you. I didn’t appreciate her calling me stupid for it though. I’m not stupid.

Letter to Ianto #2

Hello again, my beautiful Nugget!

    I’m writing this at 3am – yesterday’s entry was around the same time, but I hope I’ll break this habit soon.

    I’m having a lot of the opposite of what I’m supposed to be at the moment – I don’t have a trace of morning sickness; apart from Wednesday I haven’t been fatigued at all… I’m quite liking this so far!

    Your name, until yesterday, had been chosen as either Paige or Michael. But yesterday I told your dad that I’d kinda gone off both names. I don’t really like the name Michael, we had only decided on that (about two years ago) to fit our nickname “Mikey” – Like Michelangelo of the Ninja Turtles. But I’m not a fan anymore. Paige, on the other hand, it killed me to turn down. But Paige Reid? You’d be laughed at at school, and it really wouldn’t suit an adult. I started a list today of names I like, and when I showed you daddy, he said he liked most of them. So today your name’s either Ryan or Baylee( maybe we should spell it Bailey?)

    Your middle name has already been chosen, no matter what gender you are. If you’re a girl, you’ll have my name as a middle name. That’s because my nan and my mum both named their daughters with their own names for middles. If you’re a boy, you’ll have a “J” name as your middle name, carrying on your daddy’s tradition – he, his father, and his grandfather all had middle names starting with “J.” We decided a while ago on Julian, but I’ve gone off that – there was a mass murderer named Julian something a few years ago and I still connect it to that. Jules? Joshua? Ah, I don’t know!

    Made my first proper appointment today – our ultrasound to see how big you are. It was complete coincidence, but I scheduled it for a day your daddy has off work! So we both get to see you, baby. I have to drink something like two litres of water beforehand, and I’m not allowed to use the toilet, so it’ll take all my strength not to pee myself when they smear that cold gel all over my belly. Give us a good picture quickly so I can get some relief, okay?

    Right now, I don’t know why, but I’m getting the feeling you’re a boy. I keep accidently referring to you as “he” when your daddy and I are talking about you. I hope you’re a girl, actually. It was always my plan to have a girl, then a boy. Like me and your Uncles Gavin and Brent. But really, as long as you’re healthy, I’m happy. If you’re not healthy… well, we’ll deal with it, won’t we?

    We’re having a hard time finding a house to live in at the moment, unfortunately it may come down to selling our dog, Angel. But then again it might be us. Either people don’t like dogs, or they think that two 23 year olds are too immature to rent a house. They just don’t know us. We’re different to those other idiots out there. Yes, we’re immature at times in our humour or whatever, but we’re very serious about each other and you. We want you to have the best we can give you, and where we live right now is far from acceptable. It’s a dilapidated garage, converted into a granny flat. We have to keep Angel insode with us because the landlady doesn’t let us take her outside. I hate it with a passion.

Letter to Ianto #1

Dear Nugget,

    Welcome to the world – or, the world of my womb, anyway. We just found out about you on Wednesday, the 19th of August. Exactly one month before your dad and I are getting married. For the past few months until now, my thoughts have been purely about the wedding, but for two days I’ve had nothing on my mind but you.

    Your dad is so happy, as am I. We were actually just starting to actively try for a baby, and it turns out you were already there! I’m not enjoying that you’re making my body ache – it doesn’t help that I’ve been walking a lot today with no car to drive. I’m a little worried about the slight pains in my belly where you are – but all my books and websites say that’s most likely to be “implantation pain” – you’re hooking yourself into me, keeping yourself safe and setting up a home for the next 8 months or so.

    Tomorrow I’ll be making my first few appointments – an ultrasound to see how old you are, and a blood test to check if I’m healthy enough to have you without complications. The doctor who saw me today says I’m probably about six weeks.

    I’m getting tired now, so I’m going to sleep.

    Love always, your mummy